I wrote two columns for Real Clear Politics this week. I decided to save this satirical one for my readers at HeartlandDiaryUSA.com. Look for my other column about the Electoral College on Monday! In the meantime, share this one as a scary Halloween story!
The Short Happy Presidency of Joe Biden
By Frank Miele
Science fiction author Robert Heinlein invented for the edification of his readers something he called Future History — a timeline of how the world might turn out if certain trends continued.
With apologies to the master, I herewith present my own abbreviated Future History to answer the question, “What if we wake up on Nov. 4, 2020, and discover that Joe Biden has been elected as president of the United States?”
Nov. 4, 2020: Although President Donald Trump is slightly ahead in electoral votes, the mainstream media declare Joe Biden the victor based on their analysis of how early mail-in votes still to be counted will push Biden over the top. Meanwhile, Democrats manage to win several close races for Senate, and future Majority Leader Chuck Schumer announces in conjunction with Speaker Nancy Pelosi that the Capitol will soon be redecorated with BLM graffiti and that all historic statues will be taken down and replaced with a living diorama of antifa protesters. Capitol Police have been instructed to stand down.
Nov. 5, 2020: Mail-in votes continue to pour in two days after Election Day, but a majority of those late votes surprisingly are being counted for Trump, especially in the Upper Midwest. Those post-election votes eventually turn Pennsylvania red, and cement an apparent victory for the president, but only temporarily. In an emergency session, the Pennsylvania Supreme Court convenes and reverses its earlier ruling that late votes could be counted for up to three days. The new ruling asserts that late voting amounts to election interference “on account of Trump winning,” thus handing the state and the Electoral College victory to Biden. Trump’s lawyers immediately appeal the decision to the U.S. Supreme Court, but Trump loses on a 4-4 tie vote when Amy Coney Barrett can’t get past an elderly Native American banging a drum in her face on the steps of the court.
Nov. 6, 2020: President Trump announces the appointment of a special prosecutor to look into evidence of corruption of the incoming president and his family. Twitter, Facebook and Google immediately countermand Trump and announce that the president’s executive order is “hate speech” and that it is “dangerous or derogatory.” Trump’s social media accounts are all permanently suspended and replaced with a meme of a middle finger. FBI Director Christopher Wray calls a press conference to announce that Biden is guilty as hell but that no prosecutor would ever bring charges against him because, well, because he is a Democrat, stupid. Wray goes to work for CNN later that day.
Nov. 7, 2020: President-elect Joe Biden suffers an undefined health emergency and calls a lid on all public appearances for the indefinite future. Acting President-elect Kamala Harris announces that socialist senator Bernie Sanders will head the transition team to set policy and make recommendations for Cabinet level appointments. As his first official act, Sanders declares that he will henceforth be addressed as Comrade Sanders or Chairman Bernie.
In the ensuing two months, the Harris-Biden-Sanders administration announces a variety of Cabinet appointments, which it is decided will hereinafter be known as ministers to acknowledge the religious fervor with which the Democrat Party invests their secular humanist leadership. Some appointments are predictable such as Elizabeth Warren as minister of wealth redistribution and Beto O’Rourke as minister of disarmament. Others come as a surprise such as CNN’s Brian Stelter as minister of truth and Hunter Biden as minister of foreign “affairs” and accepting bribes. Of course, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is named minister of social justice and bovine reduction, and Ayanna Pressley is officially tagged as minister of reparations. In a shocking development, Jack Dorsey’s beard is named senior adviser to the president and is nicknamed Rasputin. By the time inauguration day arrives, the country is starting to acclimate to the new order, and businesses are either shutting down or arranging to export their assets overseas. Meanwhile, Chinese companies (always one step ahead) are planning to expand into the U.S. in order to take advantage of the low wages expected after Democrats bankrupt the economy.
Jan. 20, 2021: President Joe Biden, looking dapper in a bowler hat and black shawl, is rolled down a ramp in his wheelchair to be sworn in as president at the inauguration ceremony at the U.S. Capitol, which by then has been renamed the National Hall of Shame. First Lady Jill Biden dabs drool from the side of the president’s smiling mouth in one of her last official duties before the duly elected president is retired under a new liberal interpretation of the 25th Amendment. President Kamala Harris then delivers a historic inauguration speech in which she bans carbon (not just emissions, but the entire element), declares Black Lives Matter as the new national motto (God is so yesterday!”) and announces a nationwide COVID lockdown. In a dramatic flourish, masks are dropped by Dr. Anthony Fauci — the new minister of scientific orthodoxy — on the socially distanced crowd of two dozen from a cargo plane. Masks outnumber real human beings by a factor of three million to one.
Jan. 21, 2021: In her first full day as president, Harris orders the Border Patrol to take down the southern wall “brick by brick.” When she finds out that there are no bricks in the wall, she orders 1,200 truck loads of bricks to be shipped to locations spaced out every mile along the southern border so that illegal crossers have something to throw at police when they arrive in our anarchist cities. The policy backfires, however, when it turns out that there is no one to throw bricks at. A large majority of police forces have been defunded in a show of solidarity with antifa, and those few officers who remain on the job are in hiding until their pension kicks in. Later that day, the Border Patrol announces that it is disbanding entirely since no one in their right mind would want to sneak into a socialist country.
Jan. 22, 2021: Former President Donald Trump announces that he is running for re-election in 2024 after taking a four-year rest to catch up on his golf and make a few billion dollars. Trump says his new role model will be Grover Cleveland, the only president to serve non-consecutive terms. “If it’s good enough for Grover, it’s good enough for me! Trump also tries out a new campaign slogan, as he takes a swing at Biden voters with a red white and blue cap inscribed with “TUSA,” short for “Told U So America!”
Today: Americans, you still have a chance to wake up and vote for Donald Trump! Everything you just read can be nothing more than a bad dream. Call it “alternate history,” but if you do the right thing on Nov. 3, 2020, we can Keep America Great. Only you can prevent President Joe Biden!
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Heartland Diary is solely operated by Frank Miele, the retired editor of the Daily Inter Lake in Kalispell, Montana. If you enjoy reading these daily essays, I hope you will SUBSCRIBE to www.HeartlandDiaryUSA.com by leaving your email address on the home page. Also please consider purchasing one of my books. They are available through the following Amazon links. My new book is “How We Got Here: The Left’s Assault on the Constitution” and is now available in paperback and as an eBook. It is 536 pages long and chock full of research on the progressive movement and the patriotic heroes who have fought against it. My earlier books include “The Media Matrix: What if everything you know is fake?” and the “Why We Needed Trump” trilogy. Part 1 is subtitled “Bush’s Global Failure: Half Right.” Part 2 is “Obama’s Fundamental Transformation: Far Left.” Part 3 is “Trump’s American Vision: Just Right.” As an Amazon Associate, I may earn referral fees for qualifying purchases through links on my website. Also please subscribe to Heartland Diary on YouTube by clicking here for News Every Conservative Can Use.